Growth.
What happens when the communication needed to sustain a close relationship is no longer present? For reasons that should be easily identifiable - but that all too often aren’t - what happens when one or both people can no longer see, or be seen by, the other, even in the presence of attempted communication? What happens when the desire or ability to exercise compassion is no longer present? There are so many reasons that could give rise to these questions. One being the growth of one person, or the growth of both people, that is not supported by the relationship or the facilitation of communication.
From the Buddhist view, and as written in David Brooks’ How to Know A Person, compassion is how we can truly see and know another. In The Book of Joy, with the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, it is noted that, “Compassion can flow naturally when we understand and work to remove our fears, our blocks, and our resistances to it. Compassion is one of the most difficult and courageous of all our motivations. But it is also the most healing and elevating.”
Indeed, there are times when we are too exhausted to engage in deep conversations requiring the effort it may take to muster up compassionate listening and speaking. And indeed, some may exhaust another in needing an abundance of compassion at times. However, where compassion can be exercised and applied, the possibilities of personal growth and the growth of the relationship seem endless.
Some relationships aren’t meant to last forever. Some simply won’t, especially where one or both people are in a state of change or growth. “Some people won’t be able to see you, even if you are standing right in front of them. They speak to you but they are only giving you their projections. They want you to listen, and they think they know what’s best for you, even though they don’t know you at all.” - Yung Pueblo
How do we know if letting go of a relationship is necessary and unavoidable to experience the growth we need as individuals? Or, how do we know if it’s time to end a relationship due to projections, assumptions, mis-perceptions, or preconceptions consistently misapplied? Or worse, what if the relationship must end due to the lack of one or both individuals not knowing how to compassionately or effectively communicate. Sarah Woodhouse writes in You’re Not Broken, “Relationships take courage; they can feel intimidating, hard, and overwhelming. Figure out if the relationship is a potential source of growth if you stay, or if your growth will come as you leave.”
If there is growth in a person, and the projection coming back at them is always from a place in the past - and no amount of communication or shared experience can change this - it’s time to leave. Some of us can move on. Those that can’t may remain in the past, with stagnant projections and people lost. As scary and hard as it may be, growth and change are the only options in taking the path toward who we are meant to be.