The Power of an Apology. Or Not Needing One.

To hear a truly sincere apology can melt away anger, resentment, fear, hate, disapproval, silence and sadness. It can transform even the most fragile situation into a powerful exchange of compassion, understanding, love, agreement or acceptance. It can break down walls and rebuild bridges. But apologies are so rarely given. Like heavily guarded and protected powers, to be used only when they must, not when they can or should.

Worse yet the thought process behind an apology can be so complex, wrapped up in ego, misperception, misunderstanding, or desires to be right or prove a point. And the feelings that accompany the inability or unwillingness to apologize may only serve to block progress, growth, healing or reconciliation.

I once took part in an exchange where the other person exclaimed, “I’m not apologizing for anything else. I’ve already apologized for my reaction. And that’s it. There’s nothing else for me to apologize for.” Perhaps. However, the acknowledgement of tracking the number of times apologized and refusing to take further notice or be open to what else may have occurred - which may or may not have appropriately warranted an apology - is suspiciously veiled in ego, unwillingness, and the ability to see clearly and what could have been misperceived or misdelivered.

Further, the ego and feelings behind closing the mind to increased self-awareness or review of the situation is a powerful guard against the willingness and ability to accept possible wrong doing. Apologies are simply, sometimes needed. Situations that give rise to them happen. All the time. Every day. By everyone. There is no shame in an apology. All of us behave and react in ways in which we could have behaved or reacted better. We all misperceive and hurt, and behave in response to those feelings that in all likelihood, would usually warrant a response of acknowledging we could have behaved better with an accompanying apology.

I was in a long-term relationship where my partner’s apologies were few and far between. So when they were heard, it was like a warm shock running through my body. I was always stunned - relieved and comforted that an acknowledgement of the situation had happened and that the existence of self-awareness was present - but kindly stunned none-the-less. It was like stepping into a place of acceptance, understanding, and comfort when an apology was heard. Perhaps I overvalue apologies. But I do think the power of them to be quite transformative in any situation.

With everything written above, it’s worth noting Yung Pueblo’s thoughts in his book, The Way Forward. In regard to our closer relationships, he writes, “The freedom you feel when you realize you don’t need their apology to move forward. You just need your own self love and acceptance to let it go. Now you can let your intuition and higher standards lead you to connecting with people who are emotionally available and aligned.”

And indeed, one of the hardest acts of forgiveness I’ve processed was done so without an apology. What felt brutally painful to process and let go many times, resulted in the greatest source of strength and inner peace I thought would be impossible to find.

In regard to people situations or relations in which there’s not a depth of personal closeness, an apology can signal self-awareness which in turn may help build trust and rapport. I certainly don’t think we should run around throwing apologies around like confetti. That would be annoying. And inappropriate. But doling them out even a smidge more often than they are now could likely do wonders for communication and relationship building in any situation.