About Me

This website is created because of a criminal or private investigation into my background. It involved listening to my phone conversations, following me across the US, and watching me in my home and that of my mother’s. It involved my friends and family. The investigation involved a great deal of harassment, psychological warfare, and invasion of privacy. All of which my family took part in and supported, presumably under the guise that it was best. The struggle here is that my family are the people that know me the least.

It’s with a heavy heart and much sickness that I have to honor the only truth I know. As Arnold Schwarzenegger writes in Be Useful, we must live our truth. So here is the life of mine. If only anyone else had the courage to speak the truth of the harassment and privacy invasion of the last 8 months, I could level up the truth I know to honor what others believe. This is an invitation of courage and compassion to anyone who participated.

The lack of courage to speak up to the truth, even on topics that do not directly pertain to this investigation, eludes to wrongdoing. And if there is no wrongdoing, then the psychological warfare and harassment that has ensued is not from a place of truth, but out of hate. Hate and bullying are never justified and indicate a sign of mental instability within those doing the harassing. I beg to stand corrected here with an open, honest conversation.

I have a background of childhood trauma. The death of my father 3 years ago was an event that brought on the realization that I had work to do to change my trauma reactions. It sometimes takes a significant life event, such as the death of loved one, to make this connection. While I was starting to understand some of what I needed to do, I didn’t fully get it. I did a short stint of therapy; it helped some. Though not understanding the work I needed to do affected my life to a great degree.

I didn’t feel comfortable working in any job. The depression, trauma symptoms, and grief were distracting. I had to leave a job I liked when my father died. Substances were used to avoid feelings and reality. I tried going back to work too quickly and it backfired. I took a few months off again. Still in a place of not progressing, even though I thought I was at the time with therapy.

Then I moved halfway across the country for a corporate-like job (employees of 10,000+). Since I took the job working under someone I knew, I thought it was a good decision. I was already familiar with expectations and management style.

Long story short - and countless misperceptions later - I was bullied and shut out of the job. I didn’t really understand those things could happen. I was told a story by my teammate of how a manager at Amazon got shut out of his job. But I wasn’t a manager. I didn’t work at Amazon. And I didn’t connect the story to myself. (Was I suppose to? See the post about indirect communication.) After months of suffering through that job, I ended up resigning swiftly. To get peace, change, and move forward.

I walked out at the end of a workday on Friday, when no one was around, and went home. Emailed my resignation with a request to be terminated as soon as it was possible. I went into the office every day. Though Monday was the first day I didn’t. If I was resigning, what did it matter. My boss worked in a different city and my teammates were hardly there. After turning in my last assignment, my connections were cut off with no notice and I hadn’t talked to anyone before leaving. I didn’t and still don’t understand why the dramatic reaction. But I can’t say I wasn’t relieved. I mailed my laptop back as instructed, and that was that. I went to an Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meeting shortly after, like a therapist had advised a couple of years ago. Using substances to escape reality had gone too far over the last year.

I thought I could take some time, figure things out, heal. Apparently everyone except me knew something I didn’t. No one thought I needed to heal. Every single person, who knew nothing about me, or my background, didn’t think I needed to heal. To each his own in drawing conclusions based on not knowing all the facts and real circumstances. But this speaks volumes about others stepping in to observe and judge a life they knew nothing about. Yet, it was done. Untruthfully and quite critically.

I had already known my phone had been hacked before I quit my job. When your phone is hot as a coal, new, and needs charging multiple times a day – and your coworker repeats your texts back to you verbatim (that are not on common topics) – your phone has been hacked. My work laptop had supposedly been “lost”; stolen is realistically likely as well. And at that incident, all my work files had been erased from a cloud based system. So the weird occurrences that I chose to ignore before I left my job got tremendously worse after leaving. And the invasion of privacy continued and followed me everywhere. To this day, I still don’t know why.

I attended ACA online meetings for months after resigning, but had to quit. My “private” phone conversations were repeated back to me in those meetings. I was being followed. And my friends and family were acting bizarre. My body and mind were in turmoil not knowing what was going on. Was it me? Could I trust what I was seeing and hearing? The sadness, fear, and already embedded concern over not working and living in an expensive city was physically beating me down. I was at a low point with harassment, criticism, and hate all around. I’m a home-body, so I rarely went out anyway. I had to walk my dog and was watched and followed everywhere I went.

If I’m not doing anything wrong, I didn’t really care my phone conversations were listened to or that I was followed. But at the same time, and as will be written on this website, the human mind will see situations and conversations as preconceived – true or untrue – in anything that is said, not said, or done. That’s what was happening. And the situation was wreaking havoc inside me, physically. Why else would friends and family ask so many times about when and why I walked my dog on the routes that I did (among countless other bizarre and irrelevant things)? Since when did walking one’s dog a different way every day become a criminal activity? Or one of concern? I thought my dog would rather enjoy different smells on different blocks. And would enjoy longer walks on sunnier days or after being home too much.

I thought the harassment would go away if I just hung on and focused on myself, or that I would finally see how my mind was playing tricks on me. Maybe my friends and family just cared that much about my daily dog walks. The harassment had followed me from the job into my own home and kept going; there’s just no possible way it could be real I would think to myself. What could I have possibly done to warrant such dramatic harassment and invasion of privacy? After all, ACA is a large fellowship. What I suffer from is not unique and can be healed.

The behavior of my friends and family finally became so transparent I was clued in to the fact that being watched was real. Maybe permanent? Likely law enforcement? I don’t know. I don’t know anything about this stuff. Ask me about business or yoga though and I can tell you a few things. To this day, I have no idea what I could have done so wrong and dangerous that would warrant the kind of harassment and psychological warfare that has followed me. And no one will admit it or tell me. Not a single person in 8 months has had a direct, honest conversation.

With my childhood relational baggage, being in close personal relationships that lack trust and direct communication is overwhelming. I had no choice but to end each one. Real relationships no longer existed - only indirect storytelling and inquiry directed at me for something I didn’t understand. And if I sensed I did understand what was being communicated, I could see how gravely wrong the assumption was. The relationships were unmanageable, sad, and depressing. It was the speaker’s choice to behave in a way that was received as disrespectful. Keeping secrets in and of itself seemingly is not; treating someone like a fool under obvious preconceptions sure feels like it is (right or wrong). These relationships could have been maintained. But how painful they had become, empty of transparency and real connection - at least for me. I can only imagine how it may have felt like work to the other person or some form of un-enjoyable interaction. The relationships were like dead weights trying to move forward. Still are in memory. And still no movement as a result. I can only imagine how differently things could have turned out if a direct, honest approach had been taken instead.

I know my family didn’t understand how incapable I was at navigating the confusion and complexity of that type of relationship at the time - void of trust, full of mockery, poking and prodding every little thing I did and said. They couldn’t understand that I felt like I had been bullied to a pulp on the job; the feelings followed me into group therapy, through the invasion of privacy, and by the resulting inquiries, judgements, and criticisms. I know they also don’t understand how I felt beat down to a feeling of nothingness. Already feeling betrayed and still tolerating the insincere interactions with an underlying lack of trust. It’s okay that others believe and behave as they do; I have to respect that. I had no choice but to express my hurt, leave unanswered questions on the table, then quietly walk away. (Because I’m still in the practicing phase of what I write, and try to be honest, it’s worth emphasizing that leaving quietly was only after clearly and colorfully expressing hurt. I’m still practicing on reducing the clear and colorful expression.)

Perhaps the most painful was losing faith in the human reasonableness of my friends and family - their behaviors, witnessed first hand, were acted out seemingly based on information that was so far removed from their own first hand experience. How could objectivity, rationale, or question not be applied to the stories they received second or third hand? Yet, they weren’t. Everyone has to honor their truth. To my friends and family they have honored what they believe - dog walking on different routes could mean criminal, suspect behavior - among many, many other things; I have no choice but to respect that. It’s clear where my resentment lies in this writing, because I am without a doubt confident in who I am, the intentions behind my behaviors, what I do and don’t do, and in the truth I am able to see and experience first hand. I’m obviously no saint. But I can say, I walk my dog simply to just walk her.

I didn’t expect empathy from my friends and family, which is why I never told them what I was going through, until I was forced to address the subject. After, I still didn’t solicit empathy or expect to be treated like a victim. However, I didn’t ask to be bullied or harassed. In fact, I largely keep to myself and for the most part, stay home. I even offered to resign from my job twice before being shut out. What I did expect from my family and friends, was respect. And a minimum level of reasonableness and intellect to find out the truth and not believe everything they hear. But all we can do is honor our own truth and needs. And let the rest be, or leave.

After quitting ACA, I now recover through studies and writing. I find no joy in close relationships. I find no joy in my home. I no longer own memorabilia of my life. And for now, I’ve stopped walking my dog. What I do find joy in - no longer escaping into substances - as well as books, films/movies, this website, yoga, my dog and anything productive mimicking work. As is said by Thich Nhat Hanh, The Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu and likely many others – joy is to be found within. It is within that I know my truths, the truths of my stories. It is within that I mourn the loss of friends and family. It is with no regrets. The loss of everything I had is worth honoring who I know I am - it is worth every painful feeling of betrayal that I wake up with every morning. To navigate this world alone, only with the confidence of the truths of my past and my character, is the most honorable way I can choose to live. I cannot live a life in a story that someone else has created. I will not live a life in a story that someone else has created. That is not a life worth living.

If there is a truth that any of us need to respond to, how could it possibly be acknowledged without a direct conversation? How could one possibly see and behave clearly, if assumptions and misperceptions are what’s being projected? How should one respond and feel safe in an environment of dishonesty and insincerity? Why is directness not used where there is suppose to be love and honest concern?

It has taken 8 long, painful months to let go of some anger and resentment in the sporadic waves in which those feelings come. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than or inhuman for having these feelings. They are natural and normal. As well as sadness, hurt, pain, and loss. They should be felt and understood, though not encouraged or acted upon. If you can navigate feelings in the privacy of your own home, be grateful. How each of us works through feelings, especially under PTSD symptoms or grieving the loss of a childhood, is extremely private and should never be violated and shared with the rest of the world.

I had no idea the privacy in my home was something that would and could be stolen. And that would and could be shared with others without understanding or knowing the underlying story. Stories can be made up about anything; this is easy. An entire story can be made up from misunderstanding one sentence said. Finding and seeing the truth, the real story, and intention in behavior, takes work, courage, patience and time. I hope this website educates at least one person on the misunderstandings of life and the mind. And the devastatingly wrong assumptions that can be made about a situation or person. Wrong assumptions and stories can ruin lives and relationships, especially if acted upon and not handled appropriately. It’s worth repeating, I know I’m flawed. But I also have the utmost confidence in knowing - I’m not the person that has been projected back at me.

For every ounce of pain felt, I hope a reader is able to find 10 ounces of joy. And that this website is helpful in any way. Know that one person’s suffering is not comparable to another’s. Know that one average person is no more moral than another. Know that we all misperceive, we are all imperfect, and we all have blind spots. We each feel our own pain, in our own way, to a degree that is very personal to each of us. That is never to be disrespected. No matter what one may believe, perceive, assume, or think they know. To disrespect another is to disrespect yourself. To make up stories about another or harass another, means that person needs to look deeply within and find their own pain and heal.

For the love of God, don’t believe everything you hear. Don’t bully or harass people, to any degree, large or small. And if you have a problem with something or someone, learn to use words and communicate; this solves problems, likely quite efficiently and effectively. Understand life is not black and white. If you’re an employer, just can someone you don’t want around - don’t unleash psychological warfare and hate to get them to quit. And don’t forget, intentionality of speech and behavior means something; it means a lot actually.

I loved my friends deeply. I love people and helping people. I love supporting and helping businesses. And I love yoga. I work hard to deliver these passions, and have for decades. Life is complicated, but it doesn’t always have to be. We can find the truth in directness and simplicity in approach. Approaches to life don’t have to be convoluted, elaborate, confusing or based on stories that don’t exist. At the end of the day, we are all usually striving for the same simple values in life. Why work against those or each other.

I wish for nothing but open, sincere, honest conversations not draped in preconceptions - where either joy, concern, or learning can take place organically, as it unfolds, in the moment, in an exchange. It doesn’t have to be about secrets, but about anything. People will see, believe, and say what they want. It’s up to each of us to honor our boundaries, what we need, and our truths. Others will choose to acknowledge and work with that, or they won’t. I hope you can find growth and joy in a world of constant change and complexity. Or at the very least, some peace.

And if you’re someone that would be open to getting to know me, working with me, or sharing time - you can at least trust that I’ve been, and may continue to be, thoroughly vetted as a person. (I can’t decide if a smiley face should go here or not. We have to find humor or a silver lining where we can after all.)