Relationship Triggers. The Trauma Loop.
Cats are amazing. I almost don’t want to associate them with relationship triggers and the trauma loop. As stoic and aloof as cats can be, they’re also very warm, affectionate, and comforting. …just on their own schedule :) However, this gem of a feline looks like how I feel about this topic… so, my furry friend gets the spotlight here. And there’s essentially nothing wrong with relationship triggers and a trauma loop. They happen. To a lot of us. In big and small ways. They’re simply something to work on and change.
First, a definition or two. A trigger is a situation, interaction, or circumstance that reminds us of, or takes our mind back to, the past. A trigger is a cause of thoughts, feelings, and reactions that are based on a past experience. The trigger happens instead of us being able to react to a present situation with thoughts and feelings stemming from the present moment.
In the book You’re Not Broken, Sarah Woodhouse describes the trauma loop as, “a cycle of physical, emotional, cognitive, and behavioral reactions fueled by the survival (flight, fight, freeze) response to threat. These reactions feed into each other, often heightening each other’s intensity. This loop of reactions prevents us from connecting with our body, the essential part of our being and our adult self.”
If you’re fortunate enough to read the book by Sarah Woodhouse, you’ll find multiple, short excerpts from people explaining how they’re triggered in relationships, with a description of their reactions. The book explains many of us suffer from a traumatic experience. The author labels these as big “T” experiences and little “t” experiences, so as not to belittle the weight and importance of anyone’s experience.
So many of us navigating the difficulties and muddiness of relationships will bring reactions into the present situation that are rooted in prior experiences (which may or may not be traumatic experiences, but past experiences affecting the present moment none-the-less). “The wounds of the past remain deep in the subconscious and are easily activated and pulled to the surface.” - Yung Pueblo. Knowing and understanding ourselves (our feelings, our values, our needs, our boundaries, and our past experiences) is vital in knowing how to communicate with another and knowing how to show compassion toward another. This compassion for others is ultimately the glue that will bind us, and cannot be cultivated unless we spend time with ourselves and understand ourselves.
As Sarah Woodhouse explains, “Relational trauma and all relationship issues can only be fully healed when we are taking part in relationships. But we should focus on ourselves first and foremost. …Relationships take courage; they can feel intimidating, hard, and overwhelming. Figure out if the relationship is a potential source of growth if you stay, or if your growth will come as you leave.”
As we reach conflicts in relationships, some that feel impossible to overcome, what factors do we use to determine whether the growth happens if we stay or go? If we can no longer trust another person or feel trusted, if we can no longer understand another person or feel understood - even as we attempt to honestly communicate - where can growth happen? If compassion isn’t taking an integral part in the relationship, then there is no relationship to be had. It’s the compassion that allows truth and understanding in communication. Without any of this, the relationship and growth is not possible.
Unfortunately, for some trauma survivors the idea of navigating relationships may be paralyzing. The initial act of trusting another person can be a hurdle and feel unsafe. Some trauma survivors benefit from relationships with animals or pets as a way to begin the healing process. It might only take one trusting relationship, usually with a therapist, to allow a person to feel ready to trust and navigating relations with others. If a person is fortunate enough to have the financial means to seek professional therapy for relational trauma, it’s always best to seek this type of help.
Knowing ourselves, and knowing how to communicate and exercise compassion toward ourselves, may help us navigate relationship experiences and break the trauma loop. In The Art of Communicating, Thich Nhat Hanh writes, “Self-understanding is crucial for understanding another person … Once you have some understanding and insight into your own suffering, you begin to be better at understanding and communicating with someone else. Our relationships depend on the capacity of each of us to understand our own difficulties and aspirations and those of others. … Please listen with great compassion.”